Marriage Counseling

Let me briefly tell you what I think couples counseling is, and what I actually do with couples. 

Couples counseling is for married and unmarried couples.  I meet with dating couples, couples thinking about marriage, engaged couples, married couples, same sex couples, divorcing couples, and divorced couples.  I also meet with one member of the couple when the other member does not want to participate in counseling.

There are many therapeutic approaches used when meeting with a couple.  I personally like to evaluate what approaches to use based on your needs and style as a couple.  There isn’t one “right approach” to doing therapy as there isn’t one way to live.  I provide education on what I have found that is useful in relationships.  I invite you to look at new ideas and possibilities for living.  I encourage you to try new ways of behaving and communicating.  I like to learn from you about what you really want in your relationship.  I am very interested in what each partner has to say about what has led to their struggle or becoming stuck.  I want to know what you have done to change your situation, what has worked and what has not worked for you.  I am careful not to duplicate what hasn’t worked.

I am curious about your thoughts and perceptions about why you are together, how you met, and what has gone well in your relationship.  One thing that I have learned along the way, is that, all couples have patterns in their relationship.  These are patterns of behavior and communication styles.  Paying attention to what patterns are useful and how to repeat them can be very valuable.  It is often easier to do more positive things then to STOP doing negative things.  I believe that what we do, think, and feel that is positive can breed more positive. 

It can also be useful to agree to STOP repeating problematic behaviors such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, arguing to get your way and thinking that your way is “right,” being unwilling to give your partner space when they are ready to explode with anger, following your partner out of a room to keep on discussing an issue when they don’t want to, blaming your partner and not taking responsibility for your part of the relationship, and I can go on and on.

• I believe that couples counseling is about becoming aware of your patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that are useful to you and those that are harmful to your relationship.
• You can learn that you have choices to do more of what can be helpful to improve your relationship.  Working together on this is a plus, but one partner can begin and the other can follow even if they are not in therapy.  You can practice new ideas and behaviors outside of the therapy hour and return to discuss what has been valuable and what has not.
• Agree to live-in and celebrate the present and not lament on the past.
• Discuss what each other believes rather than read each other’s minds. Keep in mind that beliefs are just that, beliefs, and NOT facts.
• Value each other’s differences and learn from them to strengthen your relationship.
• Don’t say things like, “I want to divorce,” or things that you don’t mean because it’s hard to take them back. Being angry doesn’t mean that you have to be mean.
• Validate your partner’s feelings rather than telling them that their feelings are wrong.  Then, share your point of view and acknowledge the differences. You can learn from each other.
• Do say things that you really mean and feel, and in a manner in which your partner can understand you.  This is being intentionally assertive and not harmful. ” I feel this way because…”

Clarify things if you don’t fully understand them rather than placing your own meaning on your partners words.

Arguments, differences of opinion, and sometimes extra-relationship affairs, don’t necessarily lead to splitting up.  How you as a couple deal with these issues is most important.  Being kind, emotionally giving, and caring towards your partner will definitely improve your relationship.